Dear Jason:

I wanted to thank you and express my appreciation for taking the time to meet with Bill Smith and myself on July 26. You were very complimentary in acknowledging Tone Telecom Network Systems’ ability to meet your needs. However, we discussed a need to improve processes in the following areas: end user sales contracts, central office switch replacements, and RFQ design criteria.

Some of the issues that we discussed were improving communication flows between Tone Telecom Network Systems’ account teams, ITP, CPG, Acme Telecom field sales, as well as Customer Operations; being timely and responsive with firm price quotes; providing as much lead time as possible and involving all participants as early as possible in the process, providing, whenever possible, the customer’s competitive price point or willingness to pay, or defining a pricing range as was recently provided by XYZ Bell to vendors when responding to an RFQ; providing clear design criteria and parameters with priorities defined whenever possible to assist the vendors in providing more complete and competitive responses.

Jason, collectively, we agreed that looking at the current processes from a quality perspective would be an effective way to work toward improving our effectiveness. Stephen Grath agreed to work with us to pursue this avenue.

Bill and I would like to thank you for your continued support, and we look forward to continually improving our processes and effectiveness so that we may be considered your strategic and premier vendor.

J.P. Weinman
Senior Customer Service Manager
ToneTel Companies, Inc.

Notes

Uninformative subject line

“Meeting notes” could refer to half a dozen topics. The reader should identify the meeting referred to by the date and the sender.

Wordiness

This flowery way of writing sounds awkward and old-fashioned. No one would speak this way.

No visual design to help the reader

With no headlines labeling content, the reader must read every word of the text. If both parties need to discuss the message, it will be awkward to refer to information.

No clear action steps or deadlines

Action steps are listed near the very end and are less likely to be read. Even if the reader gets that far, his attention has probably declined after the first couple of paragraphs.

Most important point is buried

The main point is unclear, so the reader is likely to miss it entirely. Even simple messages should begin with a clear “bottom-line” statement.