March 16, 2005

Mr. Andrew Carter
Best Manufacturing Company
1880 Industrial Road
Littleton, IA 50300

Dear Andrew:

Following up our conversation, enclosed is a booklet on Fintron that highlights the basic points that we discussed. These include: a brief background description of the firm and current ownership and management; investment services; resumes of individuals who might be involved in managing the account; fee schedule; and investment results.

Preceding the investment results are fact sheets on asset-based loans, including information on international bonds, fixed income management (given that Best’s portfolio is currently heavily weighted in this direction), and growth and income equity results. You had expressed some interest in these areas as well.

As part of your team, we can support Best Manufacturing in any or all of the above areas. We offer loans ranging between $1 million and $15 million, so we can meet your needs specifically. In addition, you can get quick loan approval and attractively structured, secure lines. All of the above can help you fulfill your long-range strategic plans, as you shared with me.

Thank you for your inquiry and for sending along the Annual Report of Best Manufacturing Company. If you have any questions or need additional information, please feel free to call me at ext. 2354.

Sincerely,

C. D. Hernandez

C. D. Hernandez
Vice President

Notes

No subject line

Omitting the subject line decreases the likelihood that your reader will read your message; he will have no idea what the message is about.

Lengthy sentence

Shorter sentences are more conversational and easier for your reader to understand quickly. Sentences in business writing shouldn’t be longer than 20 words.

Focus on writer instead of on reader

The writer focuses on his firm’s services rather than on the reader’s needs.

Buried bottom line

The benefits that the writer’s firm can offer the reader are buried towards the end of the message. The message would be more persuasive if the benefits stood out.

No visual design to help the reader

With no headlines labeling content, the reader must read every word of the text. If both parties need to discuss the message, it will be awkward to refer to information.

Next steps unclear

The reader could be confused about the next steps. The writer should clearly state that he will take responsibility for following up with the reader.