December 5, 2005

Mr. Frank Barnes
Director, IT
Global Foods
123 Market Street
Youngstown, OH 12345

Dear Frank:

Thank you for arranging yesterday’s meeting. I believe it was time well spent for both Global Foods and Continental Computer. We think Continental Computer can provide the data integration capabilities you need.

Because you use several hardware/operating system environments, it is difficult for you to integrate data from several distribution centers and from companies that Global Foods recently acquired. Your staff does not know how to use the various systems. Thus you cannot make data from different locations available to each other, or even make the data available to users. The data centers all operate with a large backlog of outstanding user requests. You need to institute a company-wide information system without changing existing key applications.

Based on my knowledge to date, I would like to suggest a demonstration and options for further exploration of Continental Computer. If convenient, Robert McCarthy, our local consultant, can conduct this demonstration at our offices at 2 p.m. on January 16. It would be useful for Jack Lanham, your VP of Finance, to attend the meeting. Our understanding is that he is not happy with current inventory cost controls.

Talk it over with Jack. Please call me next week to let me know if you can attend our demonstration.

Best regards,

Barbara Watson

Barbara Watson

Notes

No subject line

Omitting the subject line decreases the likelihood that the reader will read this message; he will have no idea what the message is about.

No visual design to guide the reader

With no headlines labeling content, the reader must read every word of the text. If both parties need to discuss the message, it will be awkward to refer to information.

Negative tone

The writer is trying to convince the reader that Continental Computer is a good company to work with. Using negative words undermines a user-friendly tone.

Primary need buried

The main point is hidden, so the reader is likely to miss it entirely. Even simple messages should begin with a clear "bottom-line" statement.

Lacks reader focus

The writer focuses on herself and her own company rather than on her reader’s needs.

Meeting details lost in text

The meeting details don’t stand out. If the reader glances back at the message, he will have to read all of the text to find the meeting information.

Next steps not highlighted

Action steps are listed near the very end and are less likely to be read. Even if the reader gets that far, his attention has probably declined after the first couple of paragraphs.